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June 29, 2021

It has been hard to think about writing anything this past week. Today has been hard. Thursday, Friday and Saturday were full of travel and tears. I am so grateful for the blessing of friends and family that have shared this journey with us. We truly feel that we have been carried through this storm instead of being left to drown on our own. I was asked after Holland's memorial service on Saturday if it was draining to talk to so many and to exchange hugs and conversation. Honestly, the only word that came to mind was "uplifted". So much love for her and for our family has been shared with us, and it has helped us to feel the love of our Savior.

Holland is an amazing person. I love her dearly and we miss her dearly. I know that she is ok with Him, she is better than we are. It is hard to let her go, and the day to day stinks. I am grateful for my family and the opportunity to reconnect with friends and family we haven't seen in a long time. That will be one of Holland's miracles, as well. Sunday we were able to gather as a family and share our testimonies of our Savior together along with our remembrances of Holland and how we have felt His hand of comfort in all of this. It was a sweet moment of unity as a family.

Yesterday and today have been a struggle of getting things put back together, unpacked and put away. I don't want to be back to normal, but I know we have to get there - at least to the new normal. Holland would never have dreamed of so many that have paid their respects at her passing. It has continually been humbling and overwhelming and comforting all at the same time. Now that the formalities are over, everyone else is getting back to their lives and doing what everyone was doing before or what they had planned. A friend shared that at the passing of her mother, she felt like her world had stopped while everyone else's world kept turning the same and she wanted to say, "how can you not notice this incredible person is gone?". I feel that right now.

Last night, our youngest was having a hard time going to sleep as I was tucking her in for the night. Thru her tears, she asked if we could go into Holland's room. I answered "yes", and as we walked into her room, we found my husband, and my two other children already in there. Obviously, we all had the same longing to feel near to her. So after taking a while in her room together, we eventually all made our way to our own beds. Our world is still spinning but definitely changed. I keep thinking about a story our church leader shared about a text she sent him as she met one of her goals, "Boom! Don't give up!" It was as she hit one of her weight lifting goals, and she was encouraging him. I had never heard that story before. That has been going through my mind all day as I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other, "Boom! Don't give up!" I won't give up. I will do my best to live my best, to be kind, to be obedient, to love as the Savior loves, so I can see her again, along with our Taylor, and our Savior someday.

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