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June 18, 2021



Grief is a strange companion. It hurts so much, it is with us 24 hours a day and we are all carrying it with us. We try to carry on, but it is so hard. Holland has died and part of me is gone with her, but I know I still have a life and my kids do, too. The laundry still happens, dishes still get dirty, we still have to eat, kids still need to be kids, we still have to figure out what normal will look like and feel like. I know it will not be easy, but over time it will happen. I miss hearing her voice, hearing her music, seeing her smile, seeing her powerade bottles sitting on the counter. My kids miss their sister, her songs, her stories, her light. We all do.


There are things I don't want to forget about this experience. One of the respiratory techs came into the room several days ago and said he just wanted me to know how much he enjoyed coming into Holland's room. How different it was from the other rooms in ICU. He said the other rooms felt heavy and that he could feel peace when he came to her room. Another nurse commented something similar her last day. She is such a special spirit and many were able to feel that.


We are continually humbled by the sacrifice that so many have made to help our family. The funds that have been donated will now allow for her services. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. It has been a couple of days now, we are home. Home definitely does not feel the same. We are working on arrangements for Holland's funeral and memorial service for next weekend. Our beautiful Holland will be laid to rest next to our sweet baby Taylor. We will have a memorial in Houston, as that has been home for so long now. She was our first baby born in Houston. We have had a good life together. We are not a perfect family, but we love each other and we love our Heavenly Father.


As my kids express their sadness, I remind them that it hurts so much because we love so much. I love these words from Lance B. Wickman:

“Grief is the natural by-product of love. One cannot selflessly love another person and not grieve at his suffering or eventual death. The only way to avoid the grief would be to not experience the love; and it is love that gives life its richness and meaning.”


We love each other fiercely. Death will not diminish that love or our bond with each other.


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